Which Way Do I Fall?

I have been reading a lot lately, and it seems everything I read tells me pretty much the same thing. Even my last blog entry. I'd even forgotten writing it and was surprised to see it when I opened my blog this morning. And. it. said. the. same. thing.

I'd been reading Jesus Calling, by Sarah Young, and my eyes and soul were opened to God's Truth and Love in ways I'd never experienced before. And then, on November 21st, I started reading One Thousand Gifts: A Dare to Live Fully Right Where You Are by Ann Voskamp, and I knew immediately this was a life-changer. Jesus Calling had been preparing my heart for One Thousand Gifts.

As I've read, there have been so many times I've thought, "oh my gosh, this needs to be in my blog," and I had great intentions, but it never happened. But maybe it wasn't supposed to until today. Maybe what I perceived as a failure on my part was actually God's timing, His sovereignty.
Even this morning, I started one way with this blog, deleted it, then went back to it, and then sat back in confusion because too many things in my brain wanted to take precedence in this entry. I wanted to BACK UP too much. Wow! I didn't even realize the implications of this until just now.
Two days ago, my friend Valerie sent me a blog entry by Ann Voskamp about looking back at our failures and shortcomings instead of moving forward (http://www.aholyexperience.com/2014/12/how-to-step-forward-into-the-new-year-when-you-want-a-do-over-on-the-last-year). She says when we get stuck, we need to fall FORWARD. 

These are her words from the article:

Failing? What feels like losing is really gaining experience. Forward! Falling apart? Fall forward into whatever. comes. next. Forward! Fearful? Fear is always the first step forward of faith. Forward! Whenever you are lost, FORWARD is always the way Home.

I've been stuck in the not-wanting-to-look-forward mode the past few days. I've been stuck on past failures and shortcomings. (Didn't I just write about this in August???) In her book, Ann Voskamp challenges us to live fully in each moment in God's presence by living a life of thanksgiving - Eucharisteo, being a seeker of God's beauty in everyday life, opening our eyes to the gifts He gives us each moment of every day. When our eyes are turned forward seeking out the beautiful, they aren't looking back at the ugly! When our focus is different, our perception is different. When giving thanks to God is our priority, wallowing in our failures is hardly on the screen. She dares us to begin a journal in which we number the gifts we are thankful for each day. She challenges us to number 1000 gifts. And I can tell you from personal experience that this can change your life. I have sat down with a knot of anxiety in the pit of my stomach and begun to number my gifts, and that same knot has turned into a swelling of JOY.
Then, today, Valerie sent another article for me to read (https://perrynoble.com/blog/should-christians-take-medication-for-mental-illness) which, on the surface, really had nothing to do with any of this. My response to her regarding this article was the spark that started this new blog entry. This was my response with a few minor revisions just so it would make more sense:

"Funny, I was reading an article on fibromyalgia when your message popped up. Depression and Fibro have always been associated & depression is listed as one of the signs and symptoms of Fibro. It was usually assumed that the constant pain and fatigue led to depression and anxiety, but I didn't really believe that was what caused mine. Two articles I read this morning said that could be true, but that the same chemical imbalances in the brain that cause Fibro could cause depression. Makes a whole lot more sense to me. It's kind of a which came first, the chicken or the egg kind of thing. I have been hurting/aching so badly recently; so tired, fatigued, and so emotional, constantly feeling on the verge of tears. Very sensitive, feelings hurt easily, irritable, defensive, and all the while feeling like a failure, totally falling backward on all my failings. Feeling like it's my fault that I have these problems (and technically, it is) because I know that sugar sets it off, that not sleeping makes it worse, that not exercising adds to it even more. I know that changing those things could make me feel better, but I'm stuck in the rut of exhaustion, depression, and anxiety. The anxiety causes agoraphobia. I'm not only too exhausted to even get dressed, the thought of going out makes me very anxious. It's interesting that he (the author of the article) began to experience depression and anxiety again when he started to write a book about his previous battle with and victory over depression. I have found that revisiting that painful dark time of my life sometimes "awakens" dark, painful memories deep inside. Just the memories sometimes make me very sad. I know I talk about it a lot, but I think I talk pretty superficially about it most of the time. Just that I have suffered depression, but when I touch those deep places where the pain was, I find it's still very tender. It's a feeling similar to grief. You're ok most of the time, but, even years later, specific memories are painful and sorrowful. You feel the loss all over again. 

I don't think I've ever actually put that together before, but that is exactly it. There is definite loss and grieving involved with depression.

I had another thought while reading this article. I clicked on the link to his book and just felt a heaviness at the thought of another self-help book. And I thought of One Thousand Gifts. I believe with everything in me that she has found the answer. It's not in looking back at disappointments, failures, trauma, etc, or deep inside at the scars these things left. Going back to old scars and scraping them raw doesn't help them heal. It just causes more pain and scar tissue. I think the answer is in falling forward into Christ's arms and filling your mind with the things of Him - everything pure and holy and good and decent and just and then abiding in His presence through constant thanksgiving. 

So now I know what I need to do. Everyday, all day."

I heard Dr. Wayne Dyer give this analogy once. Picture yourself standing at the back of a moving boat and looking back at the wake. Ask yourself if the wake can move the boat forward. The answer is no. The wake is simply everything you've left behind. It's what has already happened - the good and the bad. It cannot move you forward. The energy of the motor (our brains, our souls) moves us one way or the other. He said to hold onto the positive energy that moves us forward.
I believe that positive energy is found in focusing on and thanking God for the gifts He has bestowed on me.
(Oh, so many other thoughts come to mind from Ann Voskamp's book that I want to take off on here, but I need to stop, and you need to read her book. I promise you it is a life-changer.)

"Whenever you are lost, FORWARD is always the way Home." 
(Ann Voskamp, "How to Step Forward into the New Year...when you want a Do-Over on the last year", December 29, 2014)