My devotion in Jesus Calling (May 7, page 134) once again reminded me that those places are there, that God can use anything to work good for us if we love Him and are called according to His purposes (Romans 8:28). Sarah Young used the verse from the account of Joseph's life in Genesis 50:20 "You meant evil against me, but God meant it for good." She said, "This is how you foil the works of evil, growing in grace through the very adversity that was meant to harm you." (Reminds me of all the times I've told kids if they ignore somebody who picks on them, they'll quit because they can't get a rise out of them.) And "Fear no evil, for I can bring good out of every situation you will ever encounter."
Sometimes that's hard to see. Sometimes it's hard to believe. Sometimes, we don't even want to see it; we want to be angry and hurt. I've been there. I've wanted to yell at God. I've felt like I needed to tell Him what was going on down here, because He didn't seem to know. I've questioned. I've panicked. I've been anxious and unbelieving and non-trusting. I've wondered if I wanted to trust God. I've wondered if I even wanted to like Him. And, if you're honest, most of you will admit you've felt or done most of these things, too, even if only for a fleeting second before you brought your thoughts back to Him and His love and His truth.
Those are hard times, the adversity Sarah Young was talking about. But what about those times when you know He's working, you know He's got a purpose for what's going on, but none of it looks the way you think it should look. When all you have are unanswered questions. And fear. You feel like you are hanging out over the edge and all you can do is just hang on and trust because you know there's a purpose and an answer, but, for the life of you, you can't figure it out. You can't see any way for it to end the way you think it was supposed to. All you can do is just hang there and wait. I think sometimes these places are even harder than the out-and-out trials and tribulations that have real enemies you can see. These times are sometimes scarier. It's easy to get angry and place blame during the trials and tribulations, but, when you are just hanging there waiting and you have no idea what the future holds....it can be pretty terrifying.
So, I NEED those reminders of "places where grace is" to help me hang on and wait. To help me believe that it may not look the way I think it should, it may be falling apart, it may not be restored, but "it will not be unredeemed."
This morning, I thought about a time in my life when nothing looked the way it should, when I had nothing but questions, fear, and, at times, anger and hopelessness. When I went through a four-year depression that left me unable to work, unable to leave my house at times, unable to function normally, believe me, I questioned. I was angry. I was terrified. I felt deep, unbearable hopelessness and sadness. It took me four years to work my way back out of it, and, for awhile, I was angry that it took four years of my life away from me. It took me away from my family. It took me out of a career I loved and enjoyed. It left me bereft of any confidence or self-esteem. I could no longer trust my judgement. I felt that everything I'd ever accomplished was negated because I fell apart. I hated that I was so weak that I couldn't handle everyday life.
And then, one day, something happened, and I responded with a strength I didn't have before that depression, and a little bud of hope began to bloom. I began to see something positive in it.
So, this morning, I chose that time of my life to write all the ways God used it for good. In my journal, I wrote about all the places where I saw His grace. And, by the time I finished, my heart felt so full. I felt so free and secure and LOVED.
These are some of the ways God showed me grace and used that terrible time for good:
- It made me question everything I'd ever been taught to believe and search for the answers - the Truth - for myself, which, of course, led me to God. My beliefs are mine now. I don't claim to have all the answers. I know I don't. In fact, one of my strongest beliefs is that there's a whole lot of life that we will never understand or have answers to this side of Heaven. And, while I hope I will never stop seeking the Truth, I'm ok with not knowing everything. That, to me, is a clear sign that my trust has matured.
- I learned to value rest. I learned how to rest in God, how to sit in my Father's lap and let him take care of my worries because they are too much for me to carry. I came to understand the meaning of Matthew 11:29-30: "Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and YOU WILL FIND REST FOR YOUR SOULS. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light." He'll trade me His easy yoke and light burden for all that heavy stuff I tried to carry around by myself all those years. That encourages me. It actually blows my mind. That verse sustains me now. I didn't understand that before.
- I learned that resting in and waiting on Him is more important than running around trying to do everything for Him by myself. I'd had the hardest time waiting on Him for most of my life. I wanted to get my assignment and then run off and prove how strong I was by doing it on my own. And, while I was at it, I'd do anything else that looked like it needed to be done, too, just to make sure I didn't miss anything. He put me in a place where I had no strength, so I had to depend on Him. I had to wait on Him, because I couldn't fix this on my own. I learned the meaning of Ephesians 6:13 "Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand." I learned that a whole lot of life is about standing still and waiting on Him. Didn't say I've mastered that yet, but I understand it's importance now and am SO much better at it than I ever was.
- I learned sometimes you have to let go of things, relationships, and even people who aren't good for you. During that depression, I was in survival mode. When you are in survival mode, you can't afford to hang on to people who make you feel worse. You have to protect yourself. I realized there were some people who dragged me down rather than helped me up. I realized I'd let some people control me because I'd never wanted to hurt anybody's feelings. I was a peacemaker, and, while that can be a very positive thing, it can be a weakness, too. I would go along sometimes just to keep the peace. I couldn't do that when I was just trying to survive, and I had to change or let go of some relationships. I never had to just cut anybody off, but I let go of the rules I'd played by in those relationships. I had to refuse to go along at times, and I had to limit my time with or distance myself from some people, and I learned that was not only ok, it is sometimes a very good thing. I've learned the value of surrounding myself with positive people who inspire me to be a better person but who also love me just the way I am. I have a friend who sees people the way Jesus intended us to be rather than the way we really are. That makes me want to be that person. That's the kind of people I want to spend my time with.
- It brought me birds, especially my beloved bluebirds, and photography, and poetry, and collages, and painting and drawing, and creativity. Those deep, sometimes overwhelming, emotions needed an outlet, and I discovered creative ways to deal with them and let them out. I had never been a bird watcher, but one summer I saw bluebirds going into a box in a neighbor's yard. I thought they were beautiful. I researched them, and my husband built a nest box for me. I have had bluebird nests in my backyard every summer since then. When I was at my lowest and most hopeless, I watched those birds through the window day after day. I know when to start looking for them each year now, and one day, when I glanced out in the yard to see if they happened to be out there and saw them sitting on the wire above my yard, my breath caught in my throat. I realized that morning that bluebirds represent hope to me now. I found that photography was very therapeutic. I think part of it was because I was focusing on one moment in time rather than worrying and being anxious about things. I think the other part was because I was focusing on the beauty of God's creation. I took pictures of sunsets and sunrises and the river and the ocean and flowers and, of course, birds. I also took a lot of pictures of children. I loved capturing their openness and innocence in a picture. Just a couple of years ago, I came across a sketch journal that I'd forgotten I had. I opened it to find these pictures drawn during that time of depression. The first one was an attempt to portray the fear and sadness I felt and the darkness that had settled over me and weighed me down. The second one was the turmoil and raging storm going on inside me. I had completely forgotten about these pictures. When I saw them, they took my breath away. I could feel the emotions I had been trying to express. The third one really surprised me. I had used a picture I saw on the internet as a model. I didn't know I could do that.
So I wondered if I could still do it. That summer my grandsons came to visit, and I took a picture of them at the river. I decided to try to draw that picture. Those pictures of raw emotions led to this picture. Would I have ever discovered this wonderfully therapeutic hobby and talent if I hadn't felt those deep overwhelming emotions?
- And last but definitely not least, I learned to pray God's Word. Beth Moore's book Get Out of that Pit exposed me to it and taught me the value of it, and then I got her book Praying God's Word Day by Day. It is amazing how powerful and beautiful using God's own words in prayer can be. If you have not tried praying this way, I highly recommend the second book. There are many books/devotionals on the market that use God's Word in prayer, and it doesn't matter which one you have. I just happen to like Beth Moore's books. The thing is, you don't even have to have anything other than the Bible. Just go to the Psalms and find one that expresses what you are feeling and cry it out to God.
You can't imagine the comfort I feel in knowing those four years of my life were not wasted. Or maybe you can.
