A couple of years ago, I went to a new therapist. I was better, but there were still days. Days when I struggled against anxiety and the weight of depression, and I knew if I didn't figure out how to handle stress in a more healthy way, I was going to slide back into depression. I didn't want to go there.
During the second visit, we got down to business. I was filling her in on my battles with depression and on my worries and anxiety. As I talked, of course, I focused on all the bad, stressful things that had ever happened to me. When I told her the first thing, she said, "Yes, and?" As if it were nothing. So, I dug deeper and told her something worse that caused me significant stress and worry. She said, "But it didn't..." I told her something else that really cut deep and caused a lot of pain, and she said, "And look at what you still accomplished..." This continued, and I began to get frustrated. Dang it! Let me tell you how bad it was. But she wouldn't. I thought, 'what kind of therapist are you? You are supposed to commiserate with me and tell me how horrible it was and no wonder I was depressed,' but I was getting none of that from her. Finally, I just quit. And then she started talking. She said life doesn't have to be "either/or", or "yes/but." It can be "yes/and." Yes, bad things happened, and so did a lot of good things. A LOT of good things. And she started naming the ones she knew and had figured out as I talked. Then she told me about the quilt.
Her grandmother used to make quilts. Some of them were beautiful, and some of them were just butt ugly. She said back then people used what they had to make their quilts. It wasn't just a hobby then. These were the blankets that they used to keep them warm. They were a necessity, so they had to use whatever fabric they had available. She said they would use the prettiest pieces to make the main portion of the quilt that would be seen on the bed, and they would put the ugly pieces on a bottom corner somewhere that wouldn't be seen. She said life is like that. There are beautiful moments, and there are some ugly moments, and we have to learn to put those ugly moments down on a bottom corner somewhere where they aren't seen very often, while all the beautiful moments are in plain view.
This visual was life-changing for me. Not that I never get the mully-grubs and have a pity party, but it made me realize there is a different way to look at things. It made me realize that falling apart and into depression did not negate all the good things I had accomplished, been part of, or been blessed with before the crash.
I went home thinking about this, and the scripture Philippians 4:8 came to mind.
"Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy - mediate on these things."
I read that scripture and got out a journal. At the top, I wrote, "It is true that..." Then I began to list all the things that I knew to be true about me. Not just my perception, but things that were objectively true.
"I have been married to the man I love for 30+ years.
I have two sons who are responsible, hard-working, kind-hearted, and whom I love.
I have worked with struggling students for most of my adult life.
I am one of the original founders of a school for struggling students.
I was principal of that school for five years..."
Once I got started, the list went on for several pages. I made sure I didn't list only the good things, but the bad things, too. Of course, there are some much worse than these, but I included things like this, things that are embarrassing for me.
"I am not good with follow-through. I often quit before I finish.
I talk too much.
I ramble when I talk...
I struggle with anxiety and depression..."
And guess what? MOST of them were good!! I liked the therapist's quilt analogy so much that I sketched a quilt of my life events with all the best in the middle and top and the bad down on the bottom corners. I felt such a weight lift off my shoulders. Why? Because I was meditating on things that were true and good and noble and virtuous and praiseworthy. And my soul found strength in these blessings.
When I read that passage this morning about our souls finding strength in blessings and our great capacity for enjoying beauty, I thought about the things I did do right during my depression. During that time, I became an avid photographer. I would get up at daybreak and drive to the beach to take pictures of the sun coming up over the ocean. I fell in love with birds, bluebirds in particular, and I photographed them every chance I got. I photographed flowers and trees, anything of beauty that caught my eye. It was usually things from nature or children. I was focusing on the beauty in that one moment in time and not the fear and knots in my stomach, and it soothed my soul.
I wrote poems to go along with some of the photos, too. A friend of mine looked at my photos and read my poems and said I needed to publish them. She said this book would help so many people who were going through depression as I had. I had grand ideas of publishing this best-selling book that impacted the lives of millions, but the photos and poems never got any farther than a photo album on my coffee table.
About three years ago, I came across some drawings and paintings I had done during that episode of depression. (Don't you love the terms they use? I went through a "significant episode" of depression. I'm sorry, but an episode is 45 minutes of a TV series, not four years of my life! Ok, that was a negative thought. Back to focusing on the good things!) I showed these drawings and paintings and some of my poems to two friends who immediately said, "You've got to publish this!" My friend Molly said as recently as two weeks ago that my book of poems and photos should be sitting on shelves in bookstores. We talked about how this blog might lead to something like that.
When I read this morning and was reminded of those photos and poems and how they soothed my soul, I realized I needed to start including some of them in this blog. Now. Not later when I don't get around to it. The first one is one of my favorites, but I can't find the picture in my files, so please just imagine a mockingbird sitting on my privacy fence calmly watching her baby stretch his wings. (Besides, it says no pictures...)
Mocking
Bird
Mocking Bird does not
consider man her worst enemy.
She proved that to me
today.
While I was sitting
with the glass doors to the patio open today
A little baby mocking
bird hopped up on the step
right
on the other side of the screen
and just looked at me.
It still had it’s
baby fuzz on the top of it’s head and along
it’s back.
It just sat there.
Him looking at me.
Me looking at him.
We sat there like
that for quite a while,
neither of us moving.
Then he casually
hopped away,
and stretched his baby wings,
and flew his baby height,
and hopped and flew across yards
Then I saw his mother
perched on my fence,
And she and I watched
over him
Almost side by side
No pictures, just
memories
Shared by his mother
and me
as he learned to fly.
Debbie U. Moore 4/18/06
Cardinal
What a precious gift!
Although he doesn’t
mean to offer this gift.
In fact, as soon as
he sees me,
he
takes to the air
or
scuttles into the bushes.
He’s very good, too,
spotting
me often before I spot him
leaving
me only a fleeting image of red
It has almost become
a game,
and he,
so far,
is
winning.
But who knows?
Maybe I’ll get lucky,
and get
a picture of him
without
the obstruction for me
or the
protection for him
of a window
between us.
Debbie U. Moore
Blue
Bird
I saw a blue
bird in the yard today!
The first one I’ve seen this year.
It made my day!
But
this beautifully and brightly colored bird,
like
the cardinal, evades me.
He flits from
tree to tree,
and, as soon as my attention is diverted
to get him in focus
he disappears.
I think of so many ridiculous ways to sneak up on these
birds,
but they are smart.
So much
smarter than me.
But I will
press on,
and
whether that is determination
or lack of dignity,
I don’t know.
Debbie U. Moore
Sunset
Over the River…
Sunset over the river…
peace,
tranquility
Sunset over the river…
gives you a place to lay your head
Debbie U. Moore 4/9/06
Majestic Oak
Majestic, powerful, spanning the ages, enduring the
winds and storms
Steady, safe
At my most vulnerable, it wraps its branches around
me
Shielding and protecting while I endure my own
storms
Debbie U. Moore 10/10/06
Beautifully done!
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